The issue with sex scenes portrayed in current romance books
I’m very much an advocate for romance books, books where sex and sexuality is amplified, and straight up literature porn. I think there are many benefits to reading about sex and romance. For example, they can:
Open up the door for different sexual interests and activities
Be a bridge to desire (as in get you horny)
Feel like a safe way to explore sexuality
Involve and engage our imagination
Help connect you with pleasure and excitement
This list can go on. It’s not lost on me either that the majority of people who read romance or “smutty” books are women ( I’ll get into why many women like these books in another post) and that there is a lot of critique towards this genre its readers. In activities—and fields of work and study— that mainly involve women, I notice there is a trend to belittle these things and their existence. I’ve heard people say that romance books don’t contribute to anything, which is untrue and a harmful narrative. As social media continues to take off, we need more people reading… in general. Not only that, but romance books can help with empathy, conflict resolution, communication skills, healthy escapism, open mindedness, and emotional intelligence. There is benefit to having these books and there is benefit in reading them.
My one critique of romance books with “smut” is that the sex scenes still contain unrealistic elements. So let’s get into it.
What I’ve seen in the books I’ve read: there’s always a woman who either struggles with orgasm, a history of unsatisfying sexual encounters, or hasn’t felt pleasure during sex. For the most part, the experiences have been mid at best. But what happens as the book progresses? Of course, she magically doesn’t struggle anymore when the other main character comes into her life. She can orgasm like never before, she has the best sex of her life, pleasure literally exudes off her body. Another element is that if the main lead is a man, he always wants to have sex, is always ready for it, and delivers a perfect performance without needing communication (he just knows what the woman wants). This adds to the performance anxiety and pressure that many men feel when it comes their sexuality.
Sex doesn’t work like that and as a sex therapist I feel the need to challenge this. I literally roll my eyes every time I’m reading and we get to the sex. When it comes to women portrayal in these books, sometimes there are other factors that come into play and cause issues with orgasm and pleasure. Bodies doing whatever bodies do. You ate something and aren’t feeling in the mood, or you’re taking medication, you struggle with sexual shame, sexual trauma, or religious sexual shame, etc. With men, they don’t “always” want sex or are “ready” to have sex. And no one has magical thinking to know what the other person wants or needs. These are scripts that society has created and aligned with gender roles and binary thinking.
But more than that, these books have us thinking that sex is an indicator of finding “the one”. If we aren’t experiencing soul shattering— whatever that even means— sex and orgasms, then it must mean you’re in the wrong relationship. If you think you’re going to find satisfaction in relationships by using sex as an indicator… newsflash, you’re not gonna (insert clip of Dakota Fanning). Just the mere thought of that can be enough pressure to be a contributing factor in sexual challenges and relationship issues. Not having an orgasm does not necessarily means that you’re with the “wrong person”. Just as if you are able to orgasm doesn’t mean that you’re with the “right” person for you.
The intrigue of sex— and the reason it sells— comes from the romanticization of the act. What everyone sells is the idea of what sex could be (which is unrealistic in most cases and only contributes to unsatisfying sex or a bad reputation that sex never compares to what is shown in movies).
When it comes to sex, the goal is for it to be enjoyable, stress free, playful, and fun. And even then guess what? There will be times when sex is the opposite of those. As long as every encounter is consensual (and coming from an informed place where everyone knows what will happen), the importance is that you’re able to understand that these fluctuations are part of human sexuality. It’s not about searching for that orgasm that movies and books so greatly sell. Because if it were like that, we wouldn’t need to be selling it so much. So keep that in mind the next time you’re watching a sex scene or reading smut.
*Yeah, you should still watch the movies and read the books. It’s all about being a conscious consumer*