For couples who argue over “nothing”
You’ve been here already; maybe you and your partner are having the same fights, or you keep getting stuck in arguments about “silly” things or “smaller” things. Think of who didn’t load up the dishes, who keeps forgetting to take the trash out, who is the one who consistently plans out the dates, etc. Although it may feel like you argue about “nothing”, the reality is these arguments are coming from somewhere. So something that might help if you’re struggling with interpersonal relationship issues is to look beyond the peak.
What is coming up on the surface is just one part of it. There’s a whole mountain of things that we might be missing if we merely focus on the peak. Think of the peak as our reactions. The initial “comeback” after an activating conversation, comment, or behavior. The peak is the emotional side that feels impulsive, reactionary, and sudden. The peak happens after an accumulation or buildup of different situations and experiences that don’t align with us or don’t sit well with us. The peak usually comes from not being able to express and communicate what’s bothering us for a long period of time (it can also come from expressing it and being met with misunderstanding or dismissal).
A few examples of the peak:
When you come home from work, you find your partner has not helped out with the household chores. You feel irritated and upset immediately. You might be rolling your eyes or using passive aggressive communication and body language, like opening and closing cabinets strongly or sighing loudly. If your partner says something, your reaction is to yell or snap at them. Your partner asks whats wrong, and this might get you even more upset. So… is it about the chores? Yes, That’s the peak. However, if we go deeper, the chores might take a different meaning. The chores might represent you feeling unsupported, unappreciated, alone, etc. You might feel like your partner expects you to do it constantly without thanking you or acknowledging you. These are the themes that are under the peak and often become the reason why you might be getting “stuck” having the same fights.
You enjoy when your partner holds your hand in public. It’s been a few months and you notice they don’t do it anymore. One day, you both go out and drink a little more than usual. You get into a fight, you’re upset and and you “complain” that they don’t hold your hand anymore, so there must be someone else. In the surface (the peak) we see that jealousy is coming up. Your partner might not understand where the jealousy is coming from. But beyond the peak, there might be insecurity, loneliness, and self-doubt. You might feel unloved and unworthy, and that can be coming up when your partner doesn’t hold your hand.
This can also apply to friendship dynamics. You enjoy hanging out with your friend, but you notice the conversations aren’t really a back and forth, they feel one sided. It usually happens that your friend talks about themselves and doesn’t ask anything about you. This continues for a while, until you stop reaching out. Your friend doesn’t understand what happened. The peak is that you “stopped reaching out”. Below that though, you might be feeling that your friend doesn’t care about you, and doesn’t support you. You feel a lack of effort from their part and this hurts you.
The goal is not to judge the peak, as in most cases, it is an understandable response. What we want to do is explore beyond it. Dig deeper and ask yourself what the situation really means to you. Sometimes we will be able to skip the peak and express what we really feel, and sometimes the peak will feel unavoidable. Let the peak inform you and teach you.
A few questions to keep in mind next time you find yourself arguing over “nothing”
What is this really about?
If I use the metaphor about the peak with this argument, what is at the surface and what is below the surface?
What am I really needing from this relationship?
What feels lacking in this relationship?
How can I let my partner know what is under the surface for me?